We spent a few days on vacation with Jay’s family this past weekend in Brigantine, NJ. It was wonderful! Sleeping in, a relaxing schedule, lounging on the beach in sunshine, and making lots of memories with laughter and fun.
But in the midst of those fun-filled times, were tears of sorrow. In the dark, while everyone else slept, I cried hot, angry tears and screamed silently at God…Infertility had reared its ugly head again.
It all started with a picture session- lining up all 16 grandchildren for a photo. It was crazy bedlam. Someone wasn’t smiling here, someone was hiding there. A little girl’s tears finally dried, only to have a little boy bump his head. In the end, we got a few decent shots…love these folks!
But in my heart was a quiet whisper. You have no one to remind to sit up straight and smile. You have no curls to brush back from a little forehead. There isn’t a boy or girl here that calls you Mom. It’s moments like that that make me hate infertility. The realization that you might never give your Mom and Dad, or your husband’s Mom and Dad a grandbaby to hold and cuddle and spoil. You might never pick out your child from the sea of faces and think, That’s my baby, no matter how old they may be. I want to scream at the unfairness of it all. And I do.
But after my heavy tears slow and my grief-filled heart quiets, Truth filters in. I hear the sweet, love-whisper of my Jesus. You are mine, and I love you. And even though I have tear-stained eyes, and a heart of pain, I know that I have more. I have Peace. I have a God who knows my pain and cries with me. He holds me when I feel broken beyond repair. And His Love SATISFIES.
I know that He can perform a miracle and give us a child if He chooses to do that- nothing is impossible with my God! But I also know that He can ask us to wait on Him and trust even when we don’t understand. I believe God is working in a mighty way. He has a plan, He has a purpose. And His Love is all that I need.
I fell asleep that night with tear-stained cheeks and peace in my heart. I awoke the next morning with that same peace and clear eyes. The last day of vacation was filled with the happiest moments yet- sitting in beach chairs holding hands with my sweetheart, jumping waves with his sisters and nieces, laughing at seagulls, and turning cartwheels on an empty beach. Even though the sun didn’t shine, my heart was full of Light.
Does this mean I’ll never battle those feelings again? No. I will. It’ll be another picture, another moment, another reminder that will bring me to my knees in desperation. But even in the dark, my Savior is there, waiting to hold me close.
So I choose to look for miracles every day. I want my eyes open to the beauty of a life in His power, His Love. And when I’m aware of His Presence and His work in me, life is such a beautiful thing. I am so blessed.