Tears in a Bottle

“Grief was an odd sort of bird that flitted around in the background most of the time, but every so often, the bird would come to settle on her shoulder.  And at those times she, like so many others, had no choice but to acknowledge its presence with tears.” -Joyce Magnin

This week, it will be four years.  Four busy, challenging, fun, stretching, sad, confusing years.  Four years of being acquainted with Grief because of miscarriage.

I cry when I think of the joy and wonder Jay and I are missing out on.  I cry when women compare pregnancy and birth stories.  I cry when I think of holding a little miracle in my arms.  I cry when I hear how Jay put a friend’s little boy to bed, or when I see him playing with children.  I cry when I remember kneeling by the bedside with a little girl who is talking to Jesus.  I cry because I hate how cold and judgmental I can feel towards pregnant women.  I cry because of lost dreams, lost hope, wavering faith, bitter jealousy.  I cry at the aching child-shaped hole in my heart.  I cry because I need prayer, a comforting hug, an understanding heart…

I cry because, even in this earth-shattering pain, I feel God crying with me.  I cry as I feel His Presence surrounding me, comforting me.  I cry because He knows; He understands.  I cry, because as scared and confused as I am about our future, I know my Father has it all tenderly in His Hands…

…I cry…and the tears are healing.  And as I heal, hope creeps back into my heart.  The realist in me shakes her head and sighs…and that sigh says so much and has seen so much.  But hope stays.

Image

I love the verses from Exodus 33:22-23.  “And while My Glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft of a rock and cover you with My Hand until I have passed by.  Then I will take away My Hand and you shall see My back; but My Face shall not be seen.”  I am in awe at the image of God tucking me into the cleft of a rock and protecting me with His Hand.  I don’t like the dark, the confusion, the loneliness.  But I’m not alone.  God is right there, working out His Perfect Will.

For all those hurting today, or fighting a wearying battle, I don’t know where your tears are coming from.  I don’t know or understand  all the hurts buried deep, or the raw pain oozing out your pores.  But I know Someone that does.  And I hope and pray, with all my heart, that You can let My Father comfort you.  Because once you experience His Love, you will never be the same.

8 Comments

Add yours →

  1. I understand the “child-shaped hole.” Prayers!

  2. very well written, Kendra! I would give you a hug if I could, I know how much they mean when your heart hurts so badly. May you continue to feel God’s love as He holds you close.

  3. Kendra, The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in Him, and I’m helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise Him.. Love this verse. Keep holding on .. Praying for yous!! Love, Yvonne

  4. Thanks for this post! I understand! It’s been three years on this journey for us & today is one of the rough days when I’d rather curl up & cry than to be heading to a church gathering with the many pregnant ladies… Hugs from another aching heart!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: