I don’t know about you, but I love a good story. Suspense, mystery, a touch of romance, a plot twist, and a surprise ending. Well, I’ve got a story to share. And the best part about it? It’s true! But before I begin, I’ll give an update since my last post.
The painting is done- Hallelujah! If I had known just how long the project would have taken, I doubt I would have started. One of my greatest weaknesses is starting something with zeal and enthusiasm, then running out of motivation half way through. This project was no exception. I’m so thankful for my kind husband who helped me finish!
Here are a few before shots…
And after that was done…we started on the living room, hallway, and foyer. We painted trim, heaters, walls, and the front door.
And again, this room is a work in progress. I want to switch out the blinds, get art work for the wall behind the sofa, and one day paint the book shelf. For now though, this will do. And I am very happy with my “new” house! 🙂
Now…on to the story…(it’s a long one!)
It began with a book, What Happens When Women Say Yes To God by Lysa Terkeurst. I was inspired by it, and one day after studying one of the chapters, I told God I want to say yes to whatever He might send my way. That very evening the phone rang with a request for me. Would I be interested in teaching part-time next term? As soon as the caller said those words, I felt a peace and knew without a doubt God was already testing my commitment. I prayed, talked with Jay; we prayed, and I knew what God was asking me to do- say yes to teaching. The only problem? I didn’t want to teach! I had no desire, no passion. I dreaded going back to school. Jay & I talked about the change this would bring. We talked about fostering or adopting, but he just wasn’t feeling ready for that step. He was very supportive of my teaching, and the call from God.
This is what I wrote that week in my journal…
My heart’s desire is to be a mother. For so long now, I’ve given up on that dream. Life was in a routine- clean, get-together with family and friends- a very laid back, tightly scheduled life. This job offer has tilted that. I don’t want to clean the rest of my life…but I don’t want to teach either. I want to be a mother, staying home with her babies, making memories, and building a home. That is what I want….And it scares me to dream that, because it seems too impossible. Between the two of us (Jay & I), we make quite the pair. An impossible pair. But…My God does the impossible. My God does miracles. If He wants us to have children, then we will have children…I struggle, I doubt and question; I complain, get angry and pout…but I want to trust. I want to abandon myself to God’s Will. It may feel safer to plot my own course. It looks less painful. When I give myself up to Hope, it breaks my heart- over and over again. It seems easier to close off my heart, build up walls, and peer out with guarded eyes. But then…then I miss the joy. The world becomes too dark, too dismal and melancholy. I feel safe, but only because I’ve locked myself in an unforgiving prison. Hopes and dreams that are bound with chains just drag me down even more. So God, I release them to You. They’re Yours. Break open the doors of my sheltered heart, trample down the fears, and clean out the musty corners…I’m hoping again. I’m allowing myself- no, allowing You to dream for me. Because Your dreams, Your desires for me are way beyond what I can imagine. I was made to glorify You…and that’s my prayer. Use me to Your Honor and Glory, wherever that may take me; wherever You may call me to go….
I had no idea what God had in store for me….
After several weeks of praying, I knew it was time to give my answer. We talked about it one more time…and Jay hesitated. He said, “I honestly don’t feel like this is something you should do.” I was shocked and confused…and a little angry. I had finally made peace, laid down my will, and was ready to follow God- and now my husband was holding back? So we talked and prayed some more and agreed to wait until we both felt clear leading from God. That night I could not sleep. I tossed and turned and questioned God. I felt a dark heavy weight surrounding me and prayed for a long time. I finally begged God to make things so clear to us that we couldn’t ignore Him. I pleaded for a sign, something, to show us what He wanted us to do. Peace came, and I slept.
The next morning I received a call before I left for work. The question stopped me in my tracks. Would we be willing to adopt a 2 month old baby boy that needs a home? My heart started racing, my hands started shaking, and I barely heard the few details before we ended the call. I broke down and cried. I felt God’s Presence so strongly. It was a sweet moment of worship before the whirlwind of chaos.
I called Jay and shocked him into silence. We agreed to pray all day, then talk after work. I sent out hasty messages to family and close friends, asking them for prayer while providing few details. Honestly, I don’t remember much of that day until my husband walked in the door. I was so excited, yet so afraid. I knew where Jay’s heart was just a few weeks before. I knew it sounded too good to be true. I knew the odds of us agreeing on this were slim to none.
When Jay came home, he hugged me and said, “I feel like God is asking us to adopt this baby.”
Of course, I cried again. 🙂
So the next day, we called to say we’re interested, and we received a few more details- all discouraging. It was like a reality check. Immediately, Jay withdrew. He was very cautious. That evening was awful. We were so divided, and both of us were scared. We wanted to be parents, but we differed in the approach. I wanted to go ahead with adoption; Jay thought we should try a medical procedure to try to get pregnant instead. We prayed and still felt at odds. So the next day, we both went off to work, agreeing to pray and then connect later. I felt weary. I was strongly convinced that God wanted us to pursue this adoption. And yet, I wanted to support my husband. So when evening came, it was so very hard for me to submit. It is not easy, and I fail so many times. I know, though, that God calls me as a wife to submit to my husband. It was not easy to tell Jay, “I support you in whatever You decide. We’re in this together, and I trust what you hear God telling us to do- whatever that may be.”
He looked at me and smiled before saying, “I believe God wants us to bring this baby home.”
Words fail to describe the joy and excitement we felt! I’m in awe at how God moved in my husband’s heart, and how He was working to make all the pieces fit.
So we called and said yes, we want to adopt!
We had so much fun telling friends and family. I was overwhelmed at the excitement and support shown to us.
And then….we waited. And waited. And we’re still waiting. Waiting to talk with the caseworker, waiting to hear when we can bring this little baby home. It’s been 17 days since we gave our answer, and we don’t know too much more than when we received that first call. We do know Children & Youth will be soon stepping in to place him in foster care. We are not certified foster parents, and are desperately hoping that God will move to place this boy in our home before he goes into the system.
It is so. hard. to. wait. But, except for a few days that first week, it is easy to trust. My days are filled with a Sweet Peace, because we are exactly where God wants us to be. Will we ever receive this little baby to adopt as our son? We don’t know. Could this be a long, hard, and heartbreaking road? Absolutely. We are very aware that right now things do not look hopeful, and this could very easily fall through. But I want to make something very clear.
God asked, we answered, and now we trust in Him. We do not doubt where God has placed us.
I do not say this lightly- And if He takes, still I will praise.
I want this baby. I want to raise my son to be a strong man of God. I want to watch my husband be a father. I want to start our family. But above all that, I want what God wants- whatever that may be. There is no other place for me, but in His Will.
So…that’s our story. It’s not finished yet. I am so so excited to see what God is going to write next!
Will you please pray for us? Pray that we could wait with patience, and follow God wherever He leads us. Pray for everyone involved in this case- the baby, the birth parents and family, and the caseworker- that God would move hearts to bring our baby home. Most of all, pray that His Will would be done.
Thank you so much!
To be continued…