This Broken Hallelujah

It’s a beautiful fall day- bright blue sky, and warm sunshine glowing through colorful leaves.

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But it’s hard to focus on the beauty with this heavy cloud of sadness lurking on the edges of reality.  This is your last ‘normal’ day…tomorrow will be full of packing & paperwork…only one more morning with A…

How do you prepare to say goodby to your little boy?  How do you fathom the reality that this is it- he’s leaving and not coming back?  How do you prepare your heart for that moment when he’s carried out the door?

Some people would say…he’s only your foster son…or…he’s only been with you guys for two months…or…he didn’t grow in your belly for nine months and you didn’t go through labor with him or hold him right after he was born…

No, no he didn’t, and I didn’t.  And I can only imagine the precious bond that creates between a mother and her child.

But here’s the thing.  I am his mama- today & tomorrow, and I was for the last fifty-plus days.  I rocked and fed and cuddled and bonded.  I calmed him when he was afraid, I held and comforted him when he didn’t feel well.  I kissed his pudgy cheeks and caressed his little fingers.  I loved him.  He needed a mama, and that’s what I was to him- what I still am.

For now.

So, how do you prepare to say goodbye to your foster son?  With lots of tears, an aching heart, and open hands.  Because you see, even though I’m his foster mama, he was never mine.  He was always my Father’s- a gift, a blessing.  And my Father knows best.  He loves me, and He loves Baby A even more than we could fathom.

No matter how many children bless our home, no matter how many precious little ones find their forever home with us, I want this truth to soak in deeply.

All children- no matter how long they’re with us- are a gift and a blessing.

Time with anyone is never guaranteed.  And the road of foster parenting drives that truth home every single day.

But now, thus says the Lord,

He Who created you, O Jacob,

and

He Who formed you, O Israel;

Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

I have called you by your name;

YOU ARE MINE.

When you pass through the water, I will be with you,

and through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you.

When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned,

nor will the flame kindle upon you.

Isaiah 43:1-2 AMP

Today, I’m so very thankful for this time with A.  And I’m even more thankful that I can rest in the comfort of God’s Love. I am so blessed.

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5 Comments

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  1. Kendra,
    So well put! A great reminder that our children are not ours to keep, but are God’s given to us to raise for Him! We are praying for yous keep strong…

  2. This post is touching and beautiful! A good reminder not to take each day we have with our families for granted!

  3. So touching and very well written! Brought tears and makes me want to hug my gifts a little tighter. Thank you for being open and sharing your heart!

  4. A gajillion hugs. And if you wanna call and chat and cry I’ll cry with you. Love you.

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