How Is This Good?

The snow fell, swirling and dancing through the sunlight.  She watched, entranced at the glittering display of beauty.

“Look!” She called to the little girl whom she was babysitting, who was wielding her crayons at the kitchen table.  “It’s so pretty!”

The girl glanced up briefly. “Pretty!” she echoed happily, but was soon drawn back to the array of bright colors in her crayon box.

The woman watched the glitter falling from heaven and thought how it must be a sign, and a thrill of hope warmed her weary heart.

And when the call came just an hour later, and she heard the hesitating pause, the verdict, the slamming door, a coldness settled down deeply.

As tears thickened her throat, and she called her husband with shocked voice, and her hand tremblingly brushed at wet cheeks, the numbness set in.

Only after the little girl was dropped off at her home, her wails of sorrow echoing in her ears, did the dam break.

She drove home and walked inside and sat on the sofa, staring into space.

No, no, no, no.  It couldn’t be true. She’d heard wrong.  How long she sat, she didn’t know.  Time passed, swept along in a tide of grief.

But with every call she made, and every message sent out, reality set in.

And she wept.  The tears wouldn’t stop.  And when her husband walked in the door, there were no words to say.  Just a silent embrace that spoke pain and realized grief.

When the numbness faded, the woman discovered she couldn’t pray.  She could only utter her Father’s name and fall silent again.

And in the days that followed, the anger and hurt took over disbelief.

“How is this good?! How could You allow this? God, where are You?!”

Silence.

How was it fair? For so long, they’d waited to be parents.  And after only months of cuddling, hoping, and dreaming to have it snatched away and stomped on was devastating. It wasn’t just the loss that crippled.  It was the false accusation that twisted and burned and broke precious dreams.  And when she heard the reality of just how long it could be until they tasted parenthood again, she broke.

How could a person cry so much? Surely the tears had to dry up…

So she grieved and screamed to her God. She accused Him of turning His back.  She felt forsaken. Betrayed. Alone.

“How is this good?”

The messages and phone calls kept coming in.  Her prayers kept ascending and the silence was deafening.

“How is this good?  How is this fair?”

And the answer came, strong and clear.

It isn’t.  It isn’t good and it isn’t fair.  It’s painful and it hurts.

And when she lifted empty hands and a broken heart, He moved. She read His Words and as her eyes ran over the Truth, light seeped in.

Fear not, for you shall not be ashamed; neither be confounded and depressed, for you shall not be put to shame…

For a brief moment I forsook you, but with great compassion and mercy I will gather you to Me again…

For though the mountains should depart and the hills be shaken, yet My love and kindness shall not depart from you, nor shall My covenant of peace and completeness be removed, says the Lord, Who has compassion on you.

The pain still hovered, dimming the brightness of the day.  She read on.

But no weapon that is formed against you shall prosper, and every tongue that shall rise against you in judgment you shall show to be wrong. This peace is the heritage of the servant of the Lord; this is the righteousness which they obtain from Me says the Lord. (Isaiah 54:4,7,10,&17 AMP)

It settled deeply and as her eyes closed in prayer with her husband that evening, she knew. She knew they might never fully understand why their God had allowed this life-changing decision.

She knew the road ahead was long and rocky, and completely different than they’d both imagined. She knew the battle was far from over and the grief would hang around for a long time.

She also knew Grace. Her God hadn’t abandoned her. He loved her. He loved her enough to let her heart break, yet again, to draw her closer to Him.

And the next day, her Father lavished that love on her.  His Presence was so near, surrounding her every step. Every little detail was rich with His compassion. Joy filled her day, following her from moment to moment. How could this be, when just a day before was empty pain and silence?

Grace. Sweet grace.

The situation didn’t change. The next day held pain, lingering grief, and broken dreams.

How is this good? It isn’t.

But God is. And that makes all the difference.

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  1. Beautifully written, so sad, yet an amazing testimony! God be with you, continuing to pray.

  2. Your writing is beautiful and moving! God’s grace, something we all need. Our God is a God of miracles! Praying♡

  3. I love how you candidly put your heart into words…feelings and emotions others may feel but can’t express. I understand the emotions you feel and also the amazing grace you experience…not through fostering, but through other situations in our life. Keep sharing and allowing others to enter into your life…God will bless that openness!! Continuing to pray that God would show you His faithfulness in all the little everyday things!!

    • Thanks Julia! You understand loss & grief & broken dreams…I struggle sometimes with knowing how much to say- there’s a vulnerability that comes with opening our hearts…but I’ve found that honesty in emotions & feelings really is best. Thank you for prayers!

  4. What a testimony! I have tears reading this because I have tasted a little of what you have tasted and I know how bitter our small portion was. For you to be able to share such a testimony after a bitter dose like you received, is truly cause for praise. Praying and pleading on your behalf.

  5. My tears surfaced to, Kendra. The disbelief, the sadness of misunderstanding and heartbreak are hard to bear. This life is so unfair and yet, God is there and he does heal hearts. I am praying for God to hold you and carry you through. You are a beautiful woman!

  6. I read this with tears streaming down my face. I met you for such a short time but I follow your blog and while my story is different I do know your deep grievous pain, despair and disbelief. For sooo long we prayed for a family of our own and it seemed every way we turned our dreams were tread on and ground into the dirt…We have been riding this infertility rollercoaster for 12 loooong years..but we feel God was leading us in all the decisions we had to make and telling us to be patient. So no it isn’t fair, not at all but YES GOD IS STILL GOOD!! I want you to know I pray for you so often! (hugs)

  7. Hi Kendra! I don’t know you, but we have a mutual friend Char. She’s shared snippets of your journey with me, and my heart breaks for you guys. Our Bible Study group is praying for you…I pray that the GRACE of Jesus would be full and running over in your hearts as you grieve, cry, and let go of precious dreams. Your blog has inspired me already…keep sharing openly…your heart is beautiful!

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