A year ago, Jay and I were headed to the hospital to meet little Z. I remember how excited and nervous and happy we were! I’ll never forget getting my first peek at the little bundle laying in the clear bassinet. We were so impatient to scrub up and hold him, and when the nurse placed him in my arms I couldn’t believe how light he was! Oh, he looked so tiny and fragile in Jay’s arms! Feeding him the first time, gently burping him, maneuvering around the wires hooked up to him, changing his teeny tiny little diaper, seeing his eyes open, learning how to bundle him up in swaddle blankets…so many precious sweet memories! I’m so thankful for them, even thought it does make me sad. The sadness isn’t overwhelming, but it’s there. My heart aches to be a mommy again.
December 10 is a big day for us. I don’t know God’s plans for our lives. I don’t know what the decision will be on that day. I want so desperately to be free. I struggle to understand how it would be good to not have things be in our favor.
But, I know, I know, I know, I KNOW, that God is good and that He is working for our good.
I’m not denying the pain and grief of this year, the loss and horrifying shock of it all. It was real and horrible, and I hope to never have to experience a year like this again.
BUT (praise God, there is a but) GOD IS LOVE. I know, its sounds so cliche, but the truth wrapped up in that little phrase changes everything.
Woven in the tapestry of this past year- among the blacks, grays, and blues- are golden threads. Looking back I don’t see only pain; I see love. God has been so near, and so real. Time after time, He has comforted, strengthened, and healed.
This is what I recently wrote in my journal:
Jesus, thank you. For being near, and redeeming my heart. That was my prayer when this all went down, You know. Redeem my pain, my story! I thought it meant give me what I want, what I deserve… Make things right…
But the beauty is, You don’t need to make it perfect in life to redeem my story. You use the broken, the ugly, the hard. And when I surrender, Your sweet love changes my perspective and renews my strength.
My humanness says to make everything right so I can be happy. You say “Trust in Me, and I’ll give you joy.”
And You do, every single time.
“You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy, at Your right hand there are pleasures forevermore.” Psalm 16:11 AMP