I’m back! It’s been a long time since I’ve posted.
An update on life- we are still in the waiting stage. Court is long gone, but no verdict was reached. We were told to expect a decision after 45 days, but that came and went last week. We have no idea when we will hear news.
I’ve been battling fatigue and worry and fear. It’s been a constant struggle to surrender my will and my future to God. I just want it all to be over and done with, I want to move on. I want deliverance, I want a family. I want the noise and chaos and laughter of children. I want it so badly.
But with all that wanting, I am not at peace.
I say I want God’s will, but the human side of me, the mother buried deep down inside wants freedom. From my limited perspective, I can view vindication as the only freedom.
I can become so scared that God will ask us to walk through life with no family. I think I simply could not bear that burden.
And I can’t. Not alone.
I can become terrified to hope, to feel beautiful hope, only to have my heart broken again. I don’t know that I can handle another heartbreak.
And I can’t. Not alone.
And when I tell God that I think I can’t handle another crushing blow, another bad day, He reminds me that He can handle my broken heart and the ugly grief and emotions. When I reply that I know HE can handle it, but what about me? His answer is still a gentle truth- “I can take care of you too, can’t I?”
When I focus on my God, on His strength, His power, and His majesty, I am moved to worship. When I focus on His mercy, His grace, and His compassionate love, I am moved to tears.
My God is enough. Only when I surrender my entire heart and life to Him is there peace.
Interestingly enough, the most-asked question in the whole Bible- from Genesis to Revelation- is “How long, O Lord, how long?” And the most repeated command from God is “Do not fear” or “Do not be afraid.” The people of God consistently cry out for relief, and the God of love bids us trust Him. -Scotty Smith
Over and over again, I come to my Father, asking Him to strengthen my faith, to continue helping me to trust no matter how I feel. I need Him more than I can even say.
What is God’s plan for my life? I don’t know much, but I do know this- I can trust whatever He allows or brings into my future. I am called, as His daughter, to live a sold-out life of surrender, trusting that He is enough.