The sun peeked behind thick clouds, inviting me out into the pollen-laden air. I ignored the small voice reminding me that I would pay for this little jaunt outdoors, and took the delighted dog for a short walk. The faint sunshine, the green trees, the birds’ song, and the loud drumming of a hungry woodpecker lifted my spirits. How I loved living in the country! Even though I had to stock up on Mucinex and tissues in the spring, it was worth it.
I was lost in thought when Balto stopped yet again to sniff out a new scent. Standing there waiting, my gaze fell on a beautiful little fern-one of my favorite plants. But what made it special wasn’t just the plant itself but its location. It was tucked in with a few other growing plants in the midst of rock and dead bramble.
Last summer the large swath of ground underneath the power lines had gotten sprayed and everything had died. I hated to see the brown ugliness in the midst of thriving green and woods’ edge.
But looking at the strip of brown today I felt a thrill of hope. Things were growing and greening bit by bit. I couldn’t help but draw a parallel with my life.
Just two years ago, I’d offered my heart to God, broken by infertility, begging Him to take it and dream for me. And He did- in big bold ways. We answered the call to foster parenting when it hadn’t even been on our radar just weeks before. We repainted and stocked the nursery, and I bought baby clothes at yard sales, hardly believing I was gonna be a mama!
And then came fall with Baby A, then Baby Z and we were busy, tired, and joyful parents at last. Oh, the lack of sleep, the happiness, the pleas for wisdom, and the smiles of those four short months!
And then IT happened- the month of December with the shocking goodbye and tear filled sleepless nights; February with the devastating verdict; the months of anger and wrestling and fear; summer months of healing; fall and winter months of waiting. My ripped and bleeding heart was slowly healing as we waited this year, went through court, and waited some more.
And once again, I lifted my heart to my God, begging Him to be a consuming fire and taking any desires that didn’t fit His Plan. Week after week we pleaded for vindication, but above that, for His Will to be done in our lives. And when freedom came only to one, the gulf separating Jay and I was bridged by God’s love.
Ever since that news, and while we’re wading back out into the murky waters of legal matters, I have felt a deep, deep peace.
We have talked and prayed and planned and prayed some more. We’ve agreed on this one thing- God has not called us to be parents right now. So after a good cry on the nursery floor, I wiped my eyes and got started. I pulled outfits from the closet and folded little sleepers and priced them to sell at yard sales. I smiled and remembered the joy, feeling all the feels a mama feels when she looks at an outfit and thinks, Oh, he was so little! and Awww, he wore this for his 3 month pictures! We’ve made plans to sell the big items- the crib Jay put together one hot summer night while I encouraged and snapped pictures; the car seat/stroller combo that got used so very little; the diaper genie long empty.
And everyone asked, are you sure? Don’t you want to hang on to at least some of it? and with deep peace and a genuine smile I say no.
The enemy has tried. He slips in little thoughts- You’re just in denial. Maybe you’ve finally cracked. You’re giving up. Does God really just take away the desire to be a mother? Something’s wrong, you need to be grieving and broken so much more than what you are.
But a wise friend spoke truth when I confessed that I struggled with feeling so calm and ok with it all. Kenj, if you really prayed that He would take away desires that aren’t in His will, then bask in this answered prayer! That doesn’t mean you will never feel it again and it doesn’t mean that He will never allow children in your life. Right now though, it’s pretty obvious that it’s not His will for you to be a momma. He answered your prayer!! In time He might have kids in your life and He will guaranteed bring that desire back then.
We all need friends that speak wisdom into our lives, don’t we? She’s right. It says, right there in Matthew 21:22:
And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.
I still don’t understand the last two roller coaster years of my life. It doesn’t make sense yet. Oh, I’ve seen beautiful miracles and have gotten enticing glimmers of His work in our lives, but the big picture isn’t yet revealed. I don’t know when or if I will understand it all. I don’t need to, and I love that.
I love that just as the little fern can flourish in the barren, so can my heart in this season. I cannot wait to see where God will take us and what He will do in our lives.
Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6