I wasn’t sure I was going to post anything for this week- Infertility Awareness Week.
It’s been so many years, so many months without babies. The pain of infertility isn’t an overwhelming bitterness like it used to be. I’m able to relish the blessings of being in a home of two. I delight in our quiet times and freedom of schedule.
But every now and then, that awful rawness twists in my heart and leaves me gasping for breath. I long to see our mini-me’s running in for lunch, to watch my husband read them Bible stories and swing them high as they giggle with joy, to bond and love a precious soul. And that wide longing ache fills my whole body and the world looks darker than it was.
I know I have a good Father. I know He works in the best timing. I know He longs to give me all the desires of my heart. I also know that He knows better than I do. But the surrender is hard.
It takes courage to weep over a missing family and raise hands of praise to the Creator of life.
It takes courage to count my blessings while tears fall for another childless month gone by.
It takes courage to be honest with God- the Holy Majestic Eloah- telling Him my disappointments and fears, and surrendering them to Him.
But what’s the alternative? Lock it all inside and let the bitterness eat me alive? Stay angry while watching precious moments pass me by?
I’ve found the antidote to this poison- run to Abba Father and rest in His love. I don’t always understand Him. I don’t always feel His presence with me. Some days I even struggle to like His plan, and I certainly don’t feel loving.
But oh! He’s full of grace. I don’t deserve it; these messy cries in exchange for deep Love. But He gives it anyway. That undeserved love was paid for dearly. So why wouldn’t I give my heart to Him? Why wouldn’t I give my life in obedience?
He is my everything and He is all I need.
And when I realize that, I am able to lift my eyes and see the abundance around me.
Family and friends, and a husband who teaches me to reach for Jesus and follow His teachings…
…beautiful warmth after a long winter, a good job, a safe place to live with an abundance of food and fresh water, and freedom to worship and serve the God I love.
I am so very blessed.
Infertility is a bittersweet journey that, if you allow it, pulls you close to the heart of a Father who redeems and heals.
So for the one longing to be a mother, for the mama waiting for another baby, for the one who said goodbye too soon- God sees you, and He cares. He weeps with you and longs to comfort you in your pain. He loves you more than you can even grasp and that Love is your lifeline.
Grieve and scream for your losses. Face the pain instead of avoiding it. Extend some grace to yourself and realize it’s ok to not be ok. But keep crawling back to the Father. Keep coming back to His Word and His promises. His love will heal- maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. It may take time and some days it may feel like you’ve gone back even farther than you’ve gone forward. But you will make it.
And through it all, God is there, loving you through it. You are not alone.
He is good, and He is enough.
Though the fig tree may not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines; though the labor of the olive may fail, and the fields yield no food; though the flock may be cut off from the fold, and there be no herd in the stalls- yet will I rejoice in the Lord. I will joy in the God of my salvation. The Lord God is my strength; He will make my feet like deer’s feet, and He will make me walk on my high hills. Habakkuk 3:17-19